An ode to my degree

So this is it, one exam coming between me and the end of three years worth of work. Why isn’t it a 9 am exam, at least then it would be over quicker? But no, it’s at 2 pm which is normally an alright time for an exam, but today it might as well be at midnight. By the time it comes around, I have gone through the past papers countless times, gone over lecture notes, messaged friends on Messenger to figure out whether or not we have covered everything we need for this paper. 

And then 90mins later, we are done, we hand up the papers, leave the exam hall, and try and get our bags and coats from the mountain that has grown with every other student’s belongings. Once I was out in the fresh air, it felt anti-climatic, I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting, hardly confetti and cheers but a sense of completion, a sense of celebration. Maybe that will come on the graduation when I go collect the precious piece of paper that I have worked 3 years to earn, with my parents watching me; there only daughter getting a Bachelor Degree in Digital Humanities and Information Technology. Maybe that’s when the victory kicks in. For now, there is a sense of something ending which without fail comes with the feeling of burnout and fatigue. Though I didn’t get ill this exam season *touches wood*, it is inevitable that once my body realises, that the stress is over it will without fail,  make me feel the effects of the strain it has been put under over the past few months. And I won’t blame it after all we have both been through a lot.

I think back to the beginning of this whole adventure when I first set foot on the grounds of UCC as a first year. The nerves were intense, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for nor what to expect from a degree of this size and frankly, it excited me. This 23-year-old who had only set foot in UCC a handful of times, one of which I had to call my mother to come collect me because I got lost on the campus and ended up on, where I now know is the Western Road, side of the campus. Mind you I was only 14 at the time and it was for a History revision day for the Junior Cert. Despite living a mere 15mins away from the campus, the college always seemed a world away from me,  a far off place where only a select few of people get to go but now I know, this isn’t the case. Yes, you have to pass exams and go through an application process in order to get there, but if you work hard, you can go to UCC or any university you want. And it took me a while to get my head around it and stop thinking that I didn’t deserve to be there during my first year, that I was an imposter. Thankfully, I put those fears behind me and went ahead of my work and studies, then the years flew by and now I am here, writing this. 

 

How Do You Stop Writer’s Block?

I haven’t written anything purely for my own enjoyment in about four months, what I have written, however, is lots of academic pieces for my degree. These pieces of writing will be of interest to someone I have no doubt but now that I’m on summer break I feel like its time to get back into writing for enjoyment rather than trying to reach a word count and a deadline.

Needless to say, I don’t have an answer for the above question, honestly, I just wanted to find a reason to open up WordPress and tap on the keys hoping against hope that I might find some kind of inspiration along the way. Because as long as I keep writing that’s the main thing.

But what if what I write is rubbish or doesn’t make sense to people? Or worse what if no one reads it? Honestly, I don’t mind if you read this or not, I’m just happy that I actually managed to write stuff down and was happy enough with it to hit ‘Publish’. You see I’m still in what’s known as ‘recovery’ from what has bascially been one of the most stressful years of my life; from both myself and my father having surgeries within two days of each other to discovering that I have a congenital malformed uterus which is why my periods are both painful and heavy to stay on top of deadlines, holding down a part time job, then losing two of my aunts within two months of each other to now where I have just discovered that I have to overall my diet due to a carb intolerance. It is no wonder why I lost interest in writing throughout this whole ordeal.

If I have learned anything from the last few months it is how important it is to talk to people about what you are going through, so that is what I’m going to write about. My experiences both good and bad, and maybe just maybe, this writer’s block might finally shift…..

The Issue with Grief

At the beginning of this week, I lost someone very important to me; an Grandaunt of mine who was one of my closest family members and one of my role models in life. She helped me grieve for my grandmother, her sister, over 10 years ago and she also helped me to grow into the person I am now. She loved fiercely,  lived fearlessly and she taught me how no matter hard life gets, there is always a way to be positive.

Photo by Tobi from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/agriculture-country-countryside-fall-518557/

My first holiday was visiting her and my Uncle when I was 5, we would often visit them during the summer and I would always hate leaving them; mainly because they were like two big kids themselves living alone in a bungalow that my uncle built near the bottom of a mountain in the middle of nowhere outside Roundstone. I challenge anyone to find two people who looked so different but yet so perfect for one another. They met in the U.K. but came home to help support my Uncle’s Mother who was ill. But they made it work and they were as strong as anything; if you wanted #RelationshipGoals then these two was it.

When I heard the news on Saturday of my Aunt’s passing, I was upset and heartbroken, she was one of the few remaining members of my Grandmother’s family left here in Ireland and she, as I mentioned above, was someone that I loved dearly. What hit me was all of the things that I never got to tell her about, the important stuff like I’m starting my internship in September and I’ve finally discovered why THAT time of the month is difficult for me and the fact that but also the smaller stuff like how I’m finally aware of how much I look like my Grandmother or that after years of rebelling against dresses I’ve realised that my body type suits dresses and high-waisted skirts.  In hindsight, this is probably why my Grandaunts wore dresses as we all seem to share that Pear Shape (small waist/wide hips) body type.

I’ve experienced grief before; that the problem with having a large elderly family, and yes, grief effects people in different ways but for me, it helps to remind you how much of an effect these people had on you when they were alive. And this is all the reason why we should take each day as it comes and to remember what they have taught us. But it is always important that we take the time to grieve for those we have lost and figure out what your world will look like now that these people are no longer part of your world.

So, let’s keep going hmm? For those we’ve lost xx

The First One

This is the first post on my new blog, it’s both terrifying and kind of nice to be able to start afresh on a fresh new site without having any stress or worry about whether the content will suit the site or not.

But for now, this is going to be about anything and everything that I comes into my head. Ramblings is what I’m going with but who really knows what I’m going to talk about. This is a blank canvas for me and my thoughts, which is exactly what I need right now. There’s a lot of changes going to be happening for me over the next few months so it will be nice to document it all here.